Tuesday, December 01, 2009

All Is Calm, All Is Bright...

so why am I'm still off balance?
Ever since last week's "incident" I've just been...discombobulated. I love that word, but not what it feels like. I feel like having a tantrum. I want my way and I can't get it. I had plans: a fun, relaxing thanksgiving weekend at home with a good friend I get to spend way to little time with, for us to continue our tradition of her helping me decorate and other fun stuff, we had plans for today - to celebrate another friend's little boy's birthday with our families getting together for a fun evening out, and plans for this weekend with my parents to visit our home and all of us to go to Disney on Ice and spend a lot of time just being together this wonderful time of the year.
All of that has changed, the ripple effects of the fire spread far - Amy's vacation was interrupted as she stepped up to help, and although we spent time together, it wasn't like it was supposed to be. We are not able to go out this evening due to my husband's work schedule. My Dad is much too weak and tired to travel over for the visit this weekend - and he has doctor appointments to schedule, so they probably won't be here until the week of Christmas sometime.
My Mom and my sister celebrated birthdays, Sunday and Monday respectively. I feel bad because I didn't get anything mailed - didn't even remember to take my Mom's stuff in the car on my way over there in the panic last week.
I know they don't mind and they understand, but it just seems like things just never work out the way I plan, and I'm kinda getting tired of that...I know God is in control, that I am so thankful to have my Dad still with us, and that things have turned out just as He planned for them - and that His plan, is the best plan, and mine, well that is just selfish attempts at control - and I guess I need these frequent reminders that I am not the one in control, and I need to just trust in Him. I wish I'd learn this lesson for once so He didn't have to keep reminding me!
All last weekend my mind kept focused all through the visit to Maggie on just getting through the crisis, saying a lot of prayers and trying not to stress out...since returning home I've felt the weight of it. I keep trying to get on track - to do a little Christmas decorating and other things to get my "holiday feeling" back - so far it hasn't worked. I keep feeling like I missed something, something more than just a turkey dinner.
I have nothing to complain about, but I feel like complaining. I think I need to stop trying to think it through, to stop trying to decorate my way to happiness, and I need to just sit quietly and get out my Bible...I need to be reminded to praise Him even when I don't get my way...what a spoiled child I am, good thing My Father is so forgiving.

The pictures are from sunrise at the cabin on 11/27.